Real Me Monday #7 - Losing Faith

Hey y'all! Let's talk about faith and doubts.

I am very vocal about my faith struggles. I think it's really important to be, especially because it makes faith more accessible to others. I cannot pretend that I found trusting God easy from the get go, or that I never asked questions about why I should even believe in this.

Truthfully; for a long time I didn't really have faith. I acted like I thought I should and felt like I was pretending, because I didn't really understand. I didn't want to give up control, or put blind trust in someone, and honestly I didn't want to have to change my ways or give up bad habits or lose negative friendships. I also didn't want to give up my own negativity. I liked holding grudges and gossiping and falling into those traps with my friends. But that's also so exhausting. Looking back, I can't believe how long I lasted around negativity. Now I notice it and cringe. How are people able to let those nasty emotions fester in their hearts and dwell on them for so long? I had to let all of that go in order to love myself better.

My mental health has been helped by my faith, but I have been through trials that made me doubt God's love for me. I couldn't believe that I would have to suffer heartbreaks and despair like I have if my creator actually loved me. But as I grew up and grew up in my faith I realized that there is a lesson in a lot of pain, but I also had to realize that God does not rejoice in our suffering. He feels it with us, and a lot of times we can probably find that our suffering doesn't even come from him. I cannot blame the Lord for my own sinful repercussions, just like I cannot say that my joy comes from the devil, ya know?

I've probably said this a few times, but leading a small group has opened my eyes up to how scared a lot of us are to talk about our doubts. We doubt our own doubts (wild) and feel like people are going to judge us. So unless the person we are looking up to or being lead by is open with us about their own doubts, how do we expect to create transparency? My small group girls are straight up happier when everyone is being open and honest, and they love it when my co-leaders and I bring up embarrassing things that have happened to us that have also probably happened to our students. We become so relatable and real to them, that there is less fear of being judged and more honest conversations. Which is great for us because we want our girls to be able to come to us with anything and everything.

Sometimes I doubt the plan that was made for me because it is so different to what I thought my own was. Selfishly I still want to be in complete control, but I know that everything I am, everywhere I have been, and everywhere I am going is perfect because I am not the one that created the paths. But it's a hard truth to recognize! And I hate it! I am 20 years old and I still have those mini mental temper tantrums when I hear that internal voice tell me to stop doubting my abilities. Sometimes it is easier to give up than to keep going, but that's not how growth works.

For a couple years in high school I really struggled and felt like I had lost my faith completely. I struggled (and still do) with the beliefs that some people in my faith have about other people that I disagree with. I didn't really have mentors in the church or a home church to learn from. It took me until college to find that real steady relationship, and to start learning on my own, and to figure out how to learn from others. I have been super blessed with the mentors I gained from Vista Community Church! Kelsey was the first person I really connected with and she ended up baptizing me last year, Chris is such a great student pastor and leader for us and I love getting to learn from him, and when Karl became the college pastor I quickly discovered he would be one of my favorite people there as well as one of my biggest teachers. I am constantly learning from him and so grateful for my church because of the community they have created and how accessible they all are. But that was also one of the hardest lessons for me, learning to lean on and learn from others! I used to feel like I couldn't do that because if I couldn't figure things out for myself it would mean I was dumb or would never get it. But now I know that isn't the case, and the bible literally calls us to community, so what a humbling and awesome experience to find that and be able to rely on it.

Christians have gotten a bad wrap in the past and still to this day because of things that have been said and done in the name of faith. It is hard as someone that loves the Lord and wants to share that love with others to also see the other side. There has been hatred and all kinds of phobias spread by mouths that also claim to be earthly voices of a loving God. But I realized that if I want to change that narrative I can’t abandon my faith. I also realized that there are so many other people with good intentions that want to be the accepting people we are called to be. He has given us all super unique and beautiful lives, it is up to us to live them for the better.

I still struggle with doubts and with learning when to "let go and let God" so to speak. I have struggled with whether or not my decision to stay at my school was the right choice, whether my career path is the right one, if I should be working on a different specialty, even things as silly as if the pageant systems I compete in are the right ones for me. But when I take a step back and think about all of the things that have happened because of where I am I know I'm in the right place.

I still wish I had a direct line of conversation so I can ask questions and get an immediate response. I still wonder why some of the lessons I have learned had to come with so much heartbreak. And I still think that I should be in control sometimes or that my plan is better. Because of all of this, I am grateful that the Lord has been so kind to me and so gracious through all of my doubts. He gives me all the tools I need to accomplish my goals and redirects me when the path I'm on isn't the right choice. I am big blessed y'all.

I’d like to in the future make another post about all the ways these struggles have helped me and given me the ability to relate and talk to others about them. But again, these posts are about being more open and real, so I figured starting off with what I’ve been working through is important.

Thank you so much for reading this blog post and I hope that if you experience doubts in your faith, or if you are doubting whether you need faith, that you would reach out and recognize that you are not alone in that.

I hope y'all have a great day, and happy Real Me Monday!

P.S.: I am trying out doing my RMM posts every other week instead of weekly because I didn't want to overload y'all and to make sure I am putting the effort into each blog post! LMK if you hate this idea or if you're vibing with it!